The Sharpe Chronicles: Tales of a Wino

Visit to Red Mountain

2010-09-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, this post took longer than I expected...sue me! The 9-5 has been stressful and my moonlighting as a somewhat cultured wine drinker/blogger has taken a back seat. Well, hasn't really taken a back seat, but I just haven't had time to sit down and blog!

Please keep in mind, I am doing this for my enjoyment. I want to be able to track of my wine shenanigans. Yes, I have a good palate but I by no means want to be taken seriously. That's just no fun!

First things first. I love Red Mountain. I has to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. The grapes, the vines, the hills, the wine, I love it all.

Our first stop was at Fidelitas. Since I go tasting with my wonderful husband we usually share so we can power through more wines! I am usually a red wine kind of girl but the Semillion was quite nice. The reds were awesome. Of course we bought some. Here are my picks.

Semillion - Notes of citrus, slight minerality, aged in lovely French oak
Red Mountain Merlot - ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I am pretty snobbish when it comes to Merlot and this one really stands out! Cherry and vanilla and just plain delish. Exceptionally smooth and drinks very well right now.

Our next stop was at Tapteil. Very cute, estate winery just down the road. They had four wines to taste so we splurged, both got glasses and went for it! All I have to say is, Syrah. My fave!

Syrah - Lush dark fruits and smooth tannins
2004 Cabernet Sauvignon - Lots of cherry, hints of spice.

Moving on to Hightower where we encountered a limo. Being the wine snob that I am, I have come to HATE seeing a limo in front of a winery. It's usually a bunch of bachelorette bimbos or super drunk, super loud folks that take away from my wine drinking pleasure! Anyways, a recent addition to the Hightower family of wines is the "Out of Line" red. It was my favorite and, really, like my husband's opinion counts when it comes to wine!

Out of Line - Cherry, blackberry and other yummy dark fruits. Check of their site for a full description. http://www.hightowercellars.com/index.htm

Kiona was next and if you want to get drunk off a tasting, Kiona would certainly be the place to do so. Lots of wine to choose from, whites, reds, affordable. Really something to please a crowd. I was introduced to Kiona through their Lemberger. Red, spicy and about $10 a bottle. It works on a Tuesday night or on a Saturday when you are cracking into your, um, 3rd or 4th bottle of the evening. One of my favorites is their Big Kiona Zin. I will quote the bottle.

Big Kiona - "Youthful, highly extracted, intensely aromatic. A large alcohol fruit bomb." I must agree, especially with the high alcohol part!

Finally, the reason for the trek to Red Mountain. The Cooper grand opening celebration. I had been following Cooper on Facebook for quite some time and just had to go to the opening. All I can say is WOW! Delicious white, superb reds. Seriously, job well done! So much so, that we joined yet another wine club. There was great food, fun music and the most beautiful setting you could ask for. I got a chance to talk to Coop aka Neil Cooper amid all the hustle. Great guy! My top picks, the Chard and the Walla Walla Cab. Both were outstanding.

Chardonnay - Buttery, creamy deliciousness! Worth every penny!
Walla Walla Cab - Again, entirely smooth, wonderful fruit.

I should save it for a special occasion, but I highly doubt that happening. It will be a Wednesday or I will be watching football on a Sunday and I will want it. Heck, why save the good stuff... drink up!

Big News

2010-09-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

Moving forward this blog will only be about my wine tasting adventures. This weekend I am heading to Red Mountain to sample some of WA best wines. Look for an amazing post early next week!

Birthday Fun...NOT SO MUCH!

2010-05-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

From April 30th to May 8th my family has about 10 birthdays to celebrate...one being mine. We decide to have a girls night out. Prefunking, casino, dancing. Sounds like a good time.

The evening starts out awesome. I drink a bottle of champagne (on top of the half bottle I drank at my BFF's baby shower earlier that day). We take fun pictures of our saucy attire. I was looking especially hot in my motorcycle jacket, skinny jeans and red heels.

We get to the casino. The club isn't open yet because of a boxing pay-per-view...LAME! It's my birfday...I don't want to wait in line! Anyways, wait in line, blah, blah, blah, LET THE DANCING BEGIN! My niece and I head out to the floor. I starting shaking my money maker. I am waiting for the nasty dudes to pounce. You know what I am talking about. The yuckies that hang out at casino clubs. Scary, icky, dirty, ugly men. I have to give them props though. They will hit on anything with a pulse. Ok, back to my story. Shakin' my groove thang for, like, over an hour now. Time for a drink. Stand in line, stand in line, have some dummies try to cut in front of me, stand in line. DRINK!

My feet are starting to cry now so I go sit with the ladies at our table. I look around for my jacket. It's gone. I have lost way too many jackets at clubs. I am a little peeved.

"Oh, we think that Dar took it by mistake." RELIEF!

I got the brilliant idea to go look for her (note to self...casinos are BIG, next time rethink this idea).

I am wandering up and down all the slots, looking for my beloved motorcycle jacket. I start thinking this was a bad idea.

Then it happens. POP! OUCH! I CAN'T WALK! So there I am, hobbling around in 4 inch heels, looking for my jacket. To make things worse, no cell phone, just doesn't fit in the skinny jeans. I had one guy ask if I needed help or wanted to sit down. I assume I looked pretty tragic. Tears welling up in my eyes from the pain. "No, I just want to get out of here. Thanks."

I couldn't find a single person that worked there! I had to hobble all the way to the front freakin' doors, stand in line at "The Players Club" only to be told that I can't call my husband to come get me. I have to wait for their medic to check me out. ARE YOU KIDDING? Open up the flood gates. The tears start pouring.

Then. "Hey, Day, I took your coat back to the club." Then, "OMG, what's wrong."

People I know! YAY!

I get a ride back to my brother's house. I hear my brother and husband in the garage so I pound on the door. "Go around to the front door." I hear coming from inside. "OPEN THE EFFING DOOR NOW!" I finally get inside, up the 2 excruciatingly painful steps and to the couch.

Ahhhh....

My brother is trying to give me all kinds of narcotics to ease the pain. "All I want is some chapstick." Everyone laughs.

I will never go to the casino again without my cell phone.

Oh, and BTW, I tore the LCL in my left knee. I have a lovely knee brace that I have to wear for at least the next 2 weeks. I guess that's what I get for getting old.

A little St. Patrick's Day Tom-foolery

2010-03-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

So far today has SUCKED it. I mean really, really, really sucked it.

We have been testing a new system at work. I had some junk I wanted to try, so I figure...hey, why not give it a whirl. BIG MISTAKE. I spent over 2 hours doing something at usually takes me 10 minutes. What the hell!

After my first hour and a half of misery I said, "Screw it. I'm going for a beer across the street. I need a damn break!" So I get in my car, drive across the street (yes, I am that lazy!), walk into the bar and plop my fat butt on a bar stool. The bartender asks what she can get me. "I NEED a Blue Moon. Havin' a rough day." I get my beer and spend about 30 minutes enjoying the time away.

I am almost finished and ready to go when I feel a hand on my arm. I turn to my left. It's an old dude.

O.D. "Excuse me, do I know you?"
Me "No, I don't think so. I am really good with names and faces. Sorry."
O.D. "Are you sure? I was in here last week and swear that you were my waitress." *touches my arm again*
Me "Nope, not me, don't work here."
O.D. "Don't work here, huh? Well, that's too bad...I'd sure like to get to know ya better." *touches my arm again"
Me ..................blank stare.........................*is this fool serious?*
O.D. "Can I get your number?" *touches my arm again*
Me "Um, I'm kinda married. I don't think my husband would like that too much."
O.D. "Oh, probably shouldn't then."
Me "Yeah, not a good idea, sorry."

It took every ounce of composure I have to keep myself from laughing at him. It was so hard to hold it in.

I should probably elaborate on OLD DUDE because there are hot older dudes out there...George Clooney, Brad Pitt (when he's clean and shaved), Sean Connery (ok, not a good example), but this guy was ooooooolllld! Like really old, probably 75. Way too old to be hitting on me! I mean, really, he had a cane!

He really didn't look like he could afford to be my sugar daddy either. Cuz if I am giving up my strapping 33 year old husband, this 75 yr old dude better be loaded! Not the case...

Of course, then I start thinking stupid things like maybe I look like an old bag, all haggard and gross. Then I want to laugh again. Then I feel sorry for him. Oh, the roller coaster of emotions! To make it even better, my dad was cracking up when I told him, wait...EVERYONE has been cracking up at this story...this St. Patrick's Day Tom-foolery!

Pump You Up...

2010-03-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

A little over a month ago I started a "Biggest Loser" competition at my gym. I set a goal of 40 pounds by the end of April. I'm starting to think that might not happen because since I have started I have only lost about 10 pounds.

I was getting a little frustrated not seeing results on the scale. I talked to my trainer about it and she took my measurements and body fat percentage. To my surprise, everything was down! My body fat is down by almost 3%, I have lost .5 inch from each arm, 1.5 inches from my waist, 2 inches from my hips and 1.5 inches from each thigh. That's 7.5 inches overall and I have gained 2 pounds of lean muscle. I am convinced that soon I will be looking like Ahh-nold, but these numbers have lit a fire under me. I am super excited about my progress. In fact, I want to train for a tri-athelon now...I know, crazy!

I try to get in five to six days a week. Which is funny to me because I never used to go to the gym on the weekends. Now I find it's my favorite time to go because there are less people there. I have found a love for spinning. I love that it kicks my ass, that I am dripping with sweat when I am done, that my legs feel like jello. I went for an hour yesterday and it didn't even phase me. After my cool down, after the burning in my legs is done, I feel like a new person! Plus, I leave feeling better about myself and with tons of energy. I do think that I am going to reset my weight loss goal to only 30 pounds overall. I don't have to give up when the competition is over. I can keep going!

Just a little rant...

2010-03-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

I have been suffering through a lovely case of vertigo over the last month or so. If you don't know what vertigo...IT SUCKS! Mostly a lot of dizziness, some nausea, inability to focus, reduced memory. Kind of like being drunk, but not drinking. It really had an impact on my ability to work. I would just space out at my desk. Not very cool at all, but enough of that...on to my rant.

Why is it that whenever I have an ailment of any sort, somebody, anybody and everybody asks, "Are you pregnant?"

This has to be my new biggest pet peeve. It tops my hatred of stupid people. It has even surpassed my loathing of people that call me Darlene instead of my given name DAYlene.

Since when has dizziness/lightheadedness been associated with pregnancy. Just because I am married and don't have any kids yet? It is really starting to frost my cookies. The incredible thing is it's not just friends and family(I have gotten over them bugging me)but strangers too!

We were wine tasting a few weeks ago when a major dizzy spell came on. I commented to Steve that I was not feeling too hot. The lady pouring wine said, "Oh, are you pregnant?" Seriously lady...SERIOUSLY???? Do you think if I was with child I'd be tossing back wine at a winery and carrying around a bunch of bottles that I had already purchased that day? What a moron!

So what if I have great-nieces and nephews. So what if my closest friends have either just had kids or found out that they are expecting. If I wanted to get pregnant...I WOULD! I am in no way a follower and just because I am going to be 31 in a few weeks doesn't mean that I have to get knocked up any time soon just because everyone around me is. This is not "you go, we go." I am trying to be responsible. I am trying to bring a child into this world when I am ready, not when everyone else thinks I should. I want to have my fun. I want to enjoy being married, enjoy my husband, take little weekend trips or even big week long trips! I don't want to be tied down for the rest of my life just yet.

So, please, please, please, stop asking me if I am, when I'm going to or have I thought about getting pregnant. Better yet...why don't you wait until Steve or I tell you that we are expecting.

That sounds like a plan!

Zzzzz-land

2010-03-01T15:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever watched a movie that made you think? I mean, really think about the what ifs. It happened to me last night and I had to ask a very difficult question of my husband.

"Honey, would you kill me if I turned into a zombie?"

I was really hoping for a "HELL YES!" Instead I get this sad ass look from him. "I don't know if I could. Maybe if you tried to attack me, but if you were just going to run off and eat other people then I think I would be ok with that."

Are you serious? Really! Because if it was me, I'd go all "Shaun of the Dead" on some zombies. I'd find me the biggest gun possible and blow them up. Forget the fact that they might have been my friends or family at one time. They are flesh eating ZOMBIES!

So, after internalizing, I turn to my husband and say, "I would kill you. Sorry."

Random Conversation of the Week

2010-01-26T10:14:00.000-08:00

Warning: The following blog post contains bits of animal cruelty and racism. You have been warned.

So, a couple nights ago I was lying in bed, on the verge of falling asleep when I remember something that I wanted to tell Steve. Now this is what I call "pillow talk."

Day: Today I told Buddy that I was going to sell him to a Chinese restaurant.
Steve: Really, which one?
Day: I don't know. I'll have to find a good one.
Steve: Why are you selling him.
Day: Because he was acting like an asshole, as usual. You know, barking at people, being a jerk.
Steve: Oh.
Day: Mom was pretty offended with my idea.
Steve: I support it.
Day: I knew you would. I wonder what they will make with him? Maybe some Kung Pao Puppy? Stir-fried dog tails? You know, the best part of him would be his little puppy thigh. It's the most meaty. Maybe braised thigh with Chinese 5 spice...
Steve: Hmm...or maybe they will cut off his nose and stuff it w/ cheese, then pop out his eyes and squeeze the jelly out.
Day: OK, Shrek...maybe, but that's not Chinese.
Steve: Or maybe they will just drop him in a pot of boiling water, like a lobster, then skin him.
Day: OK, honey, you just took that way too far!
Steve: You started it.

And people wonder why we don't have kids! Obviously my husband is far more maniacal than anyone realizes.

P.S. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog post.

The Funk of a Thousand Ages

2010-01-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

I have had a great first week of getting healthy. I must come clean though...I did drink. Friday and Sunday. Hey, it's better than every night so shoosh!

I have been running about 4 miles every night after work. The gym I go to has these awesome ellipticals with TV's attached. It makes 45 minutes go by so much faster. Did I mention that I am too lazy to charge my Zune? Yeah, that's how I roll. So the TV's are great. Let me get to the real story though.

Saturday mornings are quiet at the gym. You pretty much have your pick of the equipment. Of course, I head straight for the magical elliptical/TV combo! I take off my jacket, throw it and my keys on the ground to my left, toss my water bottle in the water bottle holder thingie, jump on and and start running. I noticed there was someone right next to me but I didn't care. I wanted the coveted TV!

So there I am, workin' up a sweat, watching college hoops, having a grand ol' time. That's when it happened. That's when I got a whiff. I looked around. OMG! It was the worst body odor I have ever smelled. For a minute I thought it was me. I totally wanted to pull a "Super Star" and put my hands in my pits, pull them out and sniff my fingers. I was embarrassed! Then I take a good look to my right, big mistake. I got a nose and mouthful of the funk. It was coming from the lady next to me...Thank the Lord! It wasn't me. That nose and mouthful had kicked in my gag reflex, which is pretty hard to do. So there I was running my ass off, gagging. I had to stop and chug some water to try to remove the stench from my system. For the next 20 minutes or so I tried to keep my head turned away from the funk. I suppose I could have moved to another elliptical, but that would have been weird. I really don't know how she could stand to be that stinky.

I was so relieved when she finally left. I could breathe again!

My life is boring...in a good way!

2010-01-12T12:09:00.000-08:00

Well, not really boring. I have been super busy doing things that I have been meaning to do. Like having fun! I went out to dinner every day last week. It was awesome to not cook for a whole week!!! I drank good wine and ate good food. All because I was preparing....

Preparing to not drink! Yes, you heard it right. I have officially kicked off my 2010 Get Healthy Campaign. I am tired of being fat, lethargic and all around gross. I went to the gym last night, did 30 minutes of strength training and 45 minutes of cardio. Very proud of myself!

I am cutting out all refined carbs. Pretty much following a South Beach-style food program. So after two weeks I will introduce fruit back into my diet. I went for years(when I was skinny) sniffing desserts because sugar's the debil! I am also tracking my calories and daily exercise.

I am only one day in, but I have done this before and I am excited to get back into all my clothes that have been packed away.

There will be one exception...Belgian Beerfest. January 23. Already bought tix and can't waste them OR waste good beer!

A Year in Review

2009-12-31T15:41:00.001-08:00

2009 has gone by so quickly! I can honestly say that I have had better years. I am still hoping that all goes well with my new job...so far, so good though.

This year is the first year in a long time that I won't be ringing in the new year with my bestie and her husband. She is preggo and I though I would be doing her a favor by letting her go to bed early. She is past all the fatigue and now I feel like a boob for making other plans.

This year we are going to our friends' house. It should be great because everyone that will be there loves good wine and good food. Guess I will have to bust out my "bottom row" expensive wine, but they are worth sharing with!

I have made some delicious treat to bring along too. White bean and caper crostinis, goat cheese and homemade olive tapenade crostinis and a chocolate/caramel Bailey's trifle. YUM!

Here's wishing y'all a safe and very happy new year. I know I'm ready for it!

Love, Day

The Christmas Story

2009-12-28T11:13:00.000-08:00

As usual, my MexiEve party was super fun. Food...family...drinks...white elephant gift exchange, that includes adult toys thanks to Sylvia. You should see the people fight over them! It's a riot!
After we had all had a few drinks the crazy stories come out. This was my favorite story of the night that was told to me by Ken.

"Hey, Daylene, want to hear something funny?"

Now that is just a dumb question....OF COURSE I want to hear something funny! Let the story begin!

"So, we were in the car one day and Donna's son was in the back seat. He was farting...a lot. After about 10 minutes of the noise I told him I was going to buy him a whistle. The kid was confused and asked why. Well, I told him then he could fart and whistle at the same time. So I find a cheap whistle and give it to him. After a few days I ask if he has tried his whistle out. The kid says 'Yeah, but it doesn't work. It doesn't make a whistle when I fart, but it sure does make the whistle stinky.'"

HA HA HA!!!! Poor little 8 year old boy!

Now those are some sick folks.

T'was three nights before Christmas...

2009-12-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

Last night rocked! I haven't been this happy in a long time. Actually, I just feel like myself again.

The wine bar that I work at was busy again. Tips ROCK!

I met some super cool new people. It's great being a server. They even bought me a drink later!

Got to see many of my favorite people before Christmas.

But, best of all, I GOT PAID! I was so worried about my former employer trying to skeeze out and not pay my the commission that I earned because I am no longer working there. I was so happy last night when I checked my bank account at 12:01 AM! I totally started crying. It was a major relief, mostly because now I can put that horrible experience behind me and move on.

It's been a long, long time...

2009-12-22T12:27:00.000-08:00

Let me start by apologizing for being a very bad blogger.

The last six months of my life have pretty much been a living hell, mostly due to a very hostile work environment. Alright, completely due to a hostile work environment. It took starting a new job for me to really notice how bad things were. I didn't care about anything but getting through the day, then the next day and the next, longing for the weekend so that I could find solace in the comfort of my own home. I tried to keep my self busy, occupied, so I wouldn't have to think about how awful things were. I tried to "leave it at work", but it followed me everywhere. You might have noticed my Facebook posts becoming more and more angry...because I WAS angry...all the time. I hated getting up in the morning. I hated trudging through another day of misery. Another day of personal attacks. Another day just getting by.

I can't tell you how many nights I came home from work and cried because of what was going on. Steve was getting pissed because there was nothing he could do to change the situation and nothing he could say to make me feel better.

My house was a mess. Those of you that know me well know that you can usually eat off my floors, not during the last few months. There was clutter and crap everywhere. I just let it go. All I really wanted to do was sit on my couch with a blanket, Buddy and Steve.

I was drinking...more than I usually do. I know, you're all thinking "Isn't your blog's title 'Tales of a Wino'". The answer is yes, but I used to be able to enjoy a glass or two of wine during the week and maybe a bottle over the course of a Saturday. During the last few months it was 3-4 glasses every night, just to make everything better. Of course it didn't work and I would be up the next morning with the same problems of the previous day.

I gained 10 freakin' pounds. This really makes me mad! I realize that it's my fault but I had no interest in working out or jogging like I usually do. I ate junk food that I NEVER usually eat, potato/tortilla chips, ice cream, chocolates and again, lots of wine.

My relationships suffered. I haven't been there for the people that I care about the most and it breaks my heart. I feel like a really awful friend/wife/sibling because of this. I fought with my husband for stupid reasons, not because I was mad at him, but because I was just mad in general. I neglected some of my closest friends that are and were pregnant for the first time, all because I could hardly function. All I wanted to do was nothing.

I promise I will be back to a more regular blog schedule now!

The Sharpe Rocks

2009-07-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

That's the name of our "Rock Band" group. You see, my hubby and I are the Sharpe's and my BFF and her hubby are the Rockafields...get it, Sharpe Rocks! I thought it was kinda catchy.

They recently bought a new house and we have been spending a lot of time with them, which is great! We do dumb crap like watch old episodes of Chappelle's Show, drink, play Rock Bank, drink. You get the picture. The last time we played Rock Bank my BFF's brother was there. It was hilarious! All the guys were passing around this dark brown wig trying to look like a rock star. I got some great black mail pictures.
We are just starting out here. Gettin' warmed up. Everyone but Matt, far left, is calm.

Close ups of the band

<<<Matt and Kevin>>>

<<<Me and Austin>>>

And best of all...Matt rawkin' out. This is the best action picture I have ever seen. I think he was born to be a rocker. Too bad I was born to be lame!

I know...you thought I died.

2009-07-07T20:21:00.001-07:00

I have been so busy lately. I feel like such a bad blogger.

My job situation has changed drastically and I am so busy all the time I can hardly find time to read my favorite blogs let alone write my own. Not to mention that every weekend since May I have been inundated with parties and BBQ's and graduations and craziness. It's fun but really I just want some time to myself and to top it all off, I don't have a free weekend until the middle of August! OY!

I would like to say THANK YOU to Kaylyn, the coolest blogger/blog designer I know! She made my blog so pretty today.

I promise to post more and read more in the weeks to come!

Friday Fun...

2009-06-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

I went out on Friday night with my homie Tootie and my mom was our DD. If I haven't said this before, my mom ROCKS. She is usually more than willing to be the DD as long as that means she is going with us.

We start out at an invitation only wine release party at Darby in Woodinville. We saw a bunch of people that we know from our job as wine wenches. We snacked and drank and drank. There was one wine that was SOOOOOOO good. The Aunt Lee Syrah. We went back for three samples. The lady pouring the wine was pretty light on the last pour so we decided to go to the winery next door and drink some more. We were slightly buzzed by the time we had to head into down town Seattle.

Our next stop was The Can Can at Pike Place Market. We had tickets to see Plastique featuring The Heavenly Spies. It's a cabaret style show. We got there a little early so I downed two glasses of wine before we were seated. At our table we had some bubbly, yay! We orders some snacks and I crack my baby bottle of bubbles.

The show was AWESOME. I was totally impressed with Ultra, the lip-syncing drag queen. She rocked. The dancing was pretty amazing too. I would love to go see their next "show."

We were parked across the street in a pay by the hour lot. I guess that we were so excited that we forgot to pay before we went in. There was a dude in the lot and he asked us if that was our car. We say yes. He says he needs to collect our fee so we give him $20. He then runs away! We all get in the car and notice an envelope on the window requesting payment. We got scammed! Damn drunkeness!

It was so much fun that I didn't care!

Tootie, Mom and me

The last of my hummus and bubbles!

War of the Wii Mii

2009-06-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

I finally did it! I bought a Wii Fit. I was hoping to change up my workouts with out having to get a gym membership or a trainer. I have done all that before and always get sucked into buying a junk load of freakin' training sessions.

So, I wait for the lazy husband to get up at noon and ask him what he thinks about it. He thinks it's a great idea, especially because we hardly every use our Wii. We go out, buy our Wii Fit, look at some games. I really want the Jillian Michael's work out game. I want her to scream and swear at me if I am not running fast enough, like on The Biggest Loser.

At home I get it all set up. I am excited to see my Wii age. I step on the board. "Oh." The little voice says. WTF! Don't make me punch you. I go through all the balance tests...calculating, calculating, calculating. 35! Are you kidding me? I am in fairly decent shape, maybe a little on the chunky side, but in decent shape. The Wii makes my little Mii all chunky. Whatever! I start some of the strength training, yoga, and aerobics stuff. Of course, since I am the first user, I get all the high scores. After about an hour I am DONE. The hula hoop was crazy fun. I hand it over to my Redneck.

I am thinking to myself, his Wii age better be more than mine. It's not! He is 30. So he starts doing all the same things that I did. Trying to beat my score. Oh no he didn't! He turns around, looks at me and says, "This is going to be a competition now, isn't it?"

"YES IT IS!"

Fast forward to this morning. I am so sore. I look like a tard when I have to go down stairs because my thighs are so sore from lunges and warrior poses. My abs feel like someone has punched me multiple times from crunches.

But I will be back on the game tonight after work, beating his scores that beat mine.

It's WAR!

Day 8

2009-05-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

Goody, goody gum drops it's the last day of finding happy things..

I had another VERY productive day at work. WTH is going on!
I got around to blogging about my birthday party.
I went out for drinks with my Redneck. We got there at the same time as two of our favorite peeps...Jamie and Drew! They rock!
I made fillet mignon for dinner. It was super delish even if it was a little well done.
I am drinking a glass of wine...yay!
I am going to try to pay attention to the good things that happen everyday from now on, even if it's the crappiest day ever!

Birthday Fun

2009-05-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

My 30th birthday has come and gone, but I wanted to share some of the pictures. It turned out pretty low key, which was fine with me. We were out late the night before and I was pretty tired. I guess I am showing my age! Ha ha!
This is my bestie, Melissa. She took care of most of the event planning.
I heart her!
This is my bestie's husband.
I don't know what he is doing...posing by the flowers, trying to look tough...IDK.
Anyways, it made me laugh.
Irishgirl and Steve came out.
They are always down for some wine drinking!
They also got me some fabulous champagne flutes.
Thanks guys! You rock!
I still owe you some Fruit Salsa Brie...don't let me forget!
Me and my niece Andrea aka Annie.
We were twins that night!
Annie just turned 21 and was enjoying many beers with my mom/her grandma.
Let me preface this by saying that my mom doesn't drink!
She has a glass of ultra sweet wine once in a blue moon.
Let me also say that she cracked two big bottles of Lindeman Framboise Lambic.
She shared but was down right loopy! She looks a little evil in this picture too!
Shhh....It's the Redneck in his natural habitat! Beer in hand!
If you look closely you will see the infamous Alf in the right corner.
It's a rare sighting of my brother and sister. Weird! I get this look from him a lot! It's almost like he is embarrassed by me.
I really don't know why! Probably because I purposely closed my eyes for this picture. IDK! Me and my cake before they had to go and set it on fire! Trying to lick the cake? Taking a deep breath to blow out all the candles! And, finally....

Say I hate you to my niece Chaz,

who was at prom instead of coming to my party....BOOOO!!!!!

Nice dress though! =)

Day 7

2009-05-13T15:59:00.000-07:00

Events that were to tha good

Another highly productive day at work today. Yay me!
I might actually make my sales goals and get a bonus. Yay me again! The combo of bad economy and craptacular insurance rates provided by the company I work for have meant no bonus for Day-Day....boo.
I got to give Redneck a big hug before he left for work this morning. He is my squishy!
I am going home to watch another movie. Maybe Yes Man, maybe Midnight Meat Train.

Day 6

2009-05-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

Good things for today

I had a productive day at work even though my server was all messed up.
I read through some of my new cookbook I got for my birthday. Great recipes!
I am watching the Stanley cup playoffs. Redneck doesn't really dig hockey and he's not home!!!
I am going to watch a chick flick tonight. Chocolat! I heart Johnny Depp.
I got my two favorite magazines in the mail....Everyday with Rachael Ray and Martha! I love being a domestic goddess, and I am a goddess!

Day 5

2009-05-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

Things to be happy about today

Two of my fave bloggers are back. Bird Shit and Baby Ca! I didn't cry when you were gone, but I was close!
I watched SNL w/ Justin Timberlake. It was hilarious! All I have to say is "Motherlover." Look that junk up!!!!
I went for a good jog. I haven't worked out in two weeks and was starting to feel like a heifer.
I finally got my computer at work fixed. I feel useful again.
I took five minutes to quiet my mind. I was interrupted by a phone call from Redneck, but I felt really good afterward.
I can smell the flowers that I got for my birthday. I love Stargazer Lilies!

The Best Birthday Gift Ever!

2009-05-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

So, Alf and I have twisted senses of humor. When we worked together we would tell random "dead baby" jokes. No one else thinks they are funny, except us. Don't let us have a few drinks. The offensive jokes start flying! She sent me a text message last Wednesday saying that she got me the best birthday present ever. She was so excited that she was going to bring it to me right away. She didn't. I had to wait until Saturday.

I am outside when she shows up. She is giddy! She is also hiding something behind her back. We get inside and she is freaking out. "Do you want your gift? Do you want it?"

DUH! She unveils the coolest trinket ever. Presenting..........
The Baby Shower or as I like to call it The Baby Flinger! I love how there are babies of all different colors, brown babies, white babies and black babies! It came with a baby target too. You can load more than one baby into the catapult at a time. We have already tried this option and one of the babies ends up flying straight up and the other one gets shot out the front. It's pretty spectacular.

I can't wait to take The Baby Flinger to work to entertain myself!

Thanks Alf!

Day 4

2009-05-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

Things to be happy about today.

The family birthday season is over! Maybe I can have a free weekend or two now!
I didn't leave my house today...very rare for me.
I wore sweat pants and a tank top. Yay for comfortable clothes.
I made a delish breakfast for my mom. She really enjoyed it.
An old friend found me on Facebook. It will be good to talk to her again.
Cleaned out my DVR. Watched like four episodes of Ghost Whisperer!
Made some promises to myself about getting healthy or staying healthy!

Day 3

2009-05-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

I am keeping up with this 8 days of blogging "good things."

I got my hair cut and colored today. It looks so much better AND the girl that I go to is super affordable!
My dog is curled up in my lap right now.
My big ol' birthday party is tonight!
My husband bought me the nicest birthday card. It made me cry! I lub him!

Day two...PS my birthday

2009-05-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

OK...so today is my 30th birthday. Happy birthday to me!!!!!! I was really worrying about this day but it has been good.

Things to be happy about today.....

Took the day off from work
My mom came over with balloons and roses
Went out to breakfast w/ momma
Got free chocolate cake!!!!
Went out to dinner with my husband and mom...some of the most important peeps in my life.
Had a good bottle of champagne
Got to see my brother, sister in law, fave niece, etc.
Played 10,000....an awesome dice game.
JUST HAD A DAMN GOOD DAY

Day One

2009-05-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

Kaylyn over at Pages from our Book tagged me in her most recent post and I am going to play along. I need to look for things to be happy about these days. So for the next 8 days I will try to post things about that day that made me happy on that day.

Happy things for today...

I got the final "installment" of my husband's birthday present. I am really excited to give it to him. He's going to love it! I am sitting here at work admiring it!
Today is my husband's birthday. He is the best thing in my life and I want to make today special for him.
I am listening to pandora.com and loving it! Oldies Soul station and The Supremes! I love me some Marvin Gaye, James Brown, The Temptations, Al Green, The Spinners. It's just good music.
We are going to have sushi for dinner tonight. I heart sushi!
That I have a friend, even if it's via blog, that made me feel ok about my birthday. Thanks for the super sweet comment Kaylyn!

Doom & Gloom

2009-05-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

My birthday is rapidly approaching. I have two more days of being 29.

I had a pretty bad Monday night. It involved watching a movie with my Redneck, drinking a bottle and a half of wine and crying my eyes out. I have come to realize that it is not turning 30 that bothers me as much as turning 30 and not accomplishing so many goals I had for myself. I feel like I could have done so much more with my career, my hobbies, my spirituality, my travels. Instead, here I am. Boring job that I truly hate on certain days, hobbies that I have started and never finished learning, lack-luster spirituality and the only foreign country I have visited is Canada!

So I am making myself one promise. My thirties are going to be better than my twenties. That's it. No goals of changing careers, no goals of visiting France, Ireland or Italy before a certain age, no plans on buying a bigger house.

I am just going take things as they are...roll with the punches.

A Special Evening with Alf

2009-04-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

I got to see Alf a few days ago. It's always a freakin' blast. She was hanging out with me and Redneck while I was working at the wine bar. So obviously, she was drinking. She hurt her knee a month or so ago and she is still wearing a full leg brace. She is also wearing her work boots and in combination with the leg brace is lookin' like a female Forrest Gump!

Alf is officially unhitched now and going through what I like to call "The Ho Phase." She tells me about her boys. Four of them. I interrupt with my current favorite joke. I don't know why I find it so funny. I just do!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who? ----->Say this line out loud. HA HA HA!

So I turned this into Alf eats mop, Redneck eats mop, Your mom eats mop. It's the best joke ever!

I should mention that Alf has a penchant for dorks. I'm not talking about kinda dorky either. She likes full on D&D, Magic the Gathering, skinny legged, tube sock w/ shorts wearing, all day VW bus event-going dorks. So when she tells me that one of the guys she was dating was too dorky for her, I didn't know what to think! He must be REALLY bad. They went to a Mariners game. She wore a formal dress and he wore a tux cuz they wanted to be weird. There was a really drunk dude behind them that was talking like a pirate, like "Gar, get me another beer matey." I would have started talking like a pirate too! I would have totally egged him on!

Like always there is a point where the conversation goes completely in the gutter...here it is!

We start talking about how she has been latched to the same wiener for 8 years and it's time for her to be free. She talks about her current fave boy. She made out with him at work while strapped into her safety harness! (She is a construction worker.) She jokes that she needs to go buy Magnums, but really she's serious. She says she enjoys boffing him, which I will assume is sex in her language. Alf is the dirtiest girl I know! I think my favorite line of the night was how she has to unhinge her jaw like a snake eating its prey or maybe it was when I asked about his ship docking in her safe harbor. That was just TMI, I know! Redneck and I are cracking up by now.

Laughter is spreading through the wine bar. Alf looks at me and says, "I'm a pirate. Eat my booty, gar!" That was it for me. I was crying!

My Man

2009-04-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

My awesomely insane friend Alf recently reminded me of "My Man." I'm not talking about my husband...oh no!

My office was on a very busy 4 lane road. We saw all kinds of calamities, car accidents, semi trucks taking out our power lines but my favorite by far was My Man. He used to be the highlight of my days. I would look longingly out the window of my office waiting for him to walk by. When I was having a bad day I would say "I wish my man would walk by." Then, magically he would appear. He made me laugh, he made me cry.

The first time I saw him walking down the hill, I knew he had style! First there was his walk, like a gay gangsta stroll. Then there were his suits, nicely fitted, but saggin'. Just enough boxer hanging out to let you know that they were there! I can't decide which was my favorite ensemble...the light blue suit with the gray cowboy boots or the tan suit with the black cowboy boots. Sometimes he would even throw on a do-rag for good measure!

He usually made daily trips to the gas station mini mart directly across the street. He would leave with his brown paper bag in hand, sippin' on it all the way back up that hill. Alf and I would try to guess if that day was a 40 oz kinda day or just a 22 oz day!

One day My Man was walking out of the mini mart and was looking around...a LOT. He walked thru the parking lot and over to the vacuum. He sets the brown paper bag down on the ledge. What happened next still cracks me up! Wiggle, wiggle...get in between that vacuum and shrubbery. He's peeing! OMG...he is peeing! He finishes, looks from side to side to make sure that the coast is clear. Zips up, picks up his refreshment and starts walking back to work!

I must have laughed about that all day!

His visits to the mini mart slacked off until I realized that I hadn't seen him for weeks. This almost brought a tear to my eye because really, who wouldn't enjoy seeing him?? Alf would see him from time to time walking the streets of R-town, but I haven't seen him. Boo hoo!

Giant Ghetto Beast

2009-04-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

My fam is having a big dinner at my mom's new house tomorrow and, of course, I am stuck making all the big stuff. Lasagna, meatballs, pasta...but that's OK, I like to cook. So, since I am cooking, I needed to go to the grocery store. I don't mess around, I take my ass to the cheapest grocery store I know, Wal-Mart Super Center, baby!

The problem is I usually do my shopping at 8 am on Saturday morning not 7 pm on a Thursday. Let me tell you...big mistake. Not only was the store busy, but I also saw the most insane cat fight ever. Yes, I said CAT FIGHT.

I am minding my own, in line to check out when I hear some commotion. I look over and see this ginormous, huge, blubbery black lady. She must have weighed 400 pounds! It looks like she is punching something, but all I can see is her fatness. The scene shifts. I see a little Mexican lady is on the other end of this fight. The poor thing is trying her best to block punches and get out of the grips of the Fatty. The Mexican lady falls down. Now Fatty is kicking her. There is a huge thud, both are on the ground now. I swear a shock wave went thru the Fatty's body, ripples of lard. Green beans flying everywhere. Did I mention they were in the produce section, yeah, they were. So now they are scrappin' on the floor. Arms flailing, legs kicking. I was in awe.

So the little Mexi's boyfriend comes over when he sees what is happening. He is a big guy and he can't pull Fatty away! He can't even get his arms around her. All the while Fatty is screaming "Get the F*** off me, get the F*** off me!" Now some scrawny little white dude runs over and pulls the little Mexi out of arms reach of Fatty. They all stand up and Fatty goes for the little Mexi again! Boyfriend steps in the middle and finally store security shows up!

Fatty tromps her way to the door and leaves.

Now I know why I do my shopping in the early morning...cuz there isn't drama like that!

Zombie Strippers

2009-04-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am watching an Oscar caliber movie with my Redneck...."Zombie Strippers." Available on Spike TV. It's very Quentin Tarantino-esque. I should start out by saying that I love Jenna Jameson. She is amazing! If I were skinny and hot I would totally be on the pole and in the videos just like her.

Anyways, this poignant movie has brought up a few good points of conversation.

Would you become a zombie stripper? Would you eat the flesh of those that came to watch you take off you clothes for money?

I say YES! It's all so sexy and hot. My husband says no. No because after a while of being a zombie sex might not be so good. As he put it "there might not be 'body fluids' to conduce sex." Leave it to him to think of something like necrophilia!

I say just take up stock in KY jelly!

Then he changed his mind. Maybe a giant wound in your neck would give me another place to put my........

I say that oozing sores, pasty white skin with sunken black eyes and a thirst for human flesh and blood is hot and saucy, especially when Jenna Jameson is involved!

What are your thoughts?

Did I mention that I have been drinking? Yeah, I have.

My sweet, sweet Asian man

2009-04-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

I was just visited by one of my favorite customers.

My co-worker says that he wants to have my babies and I think he just might if I asked him nicely! I believe my co-worker just said he wants to make sweet, sweet love to me. Whatever!
I think she's jealous of the hotness!

He is a 41 year old Vietnamese man. Short, a little chubby, really bad teeth, a stutter, balding. You know, the total package. He comes in asks if I have been being good, flirts with me, asks if he can take me to dinner, buys me Starbucks. Oh Yeah...he wants me.

So, today he asks me if I tan. I tell him yes.

"Well, I'm gonna come check in on you at the end of summer and if you are darker than me I will take you to dinner."

Yeah. I'll be staying out of the sun then!

"I will even take your husband and little furry friend."

I tell him that Sir Bud likes steak and pork.

"Does he like a cup of wine too?"

You bet he does! Just like his momma!

"OK, talk to you later."

Yes, later. MUCH later, because the flattery is nice but you creep me out. Really!

Insert Title Here

2009-04-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

I am having a really bad day. I mean REALLY BAD.

I feel so taken advantage of, hurt, angry. I have a horrible headache that Advil isn't even touching.

I have this person in my life that I would do anything for. I go out of my way to do nice things for her, buy her nice birthday presents, do what ever I can to be a good aunt.

About a month ago she was talking about prom and how she couldn't afford a dress b/c she spent $300 to have her car fixed. I, once again trying to be nice, said that I would buy her a prom dress. We go to Seattle, get her the dress she wants. The one she saw at another mall. She was super excited b/c it was different from all the other dresses she has worn in the past.

So, I get an email from her mom today. She's found another dress. She wants to use the dress I spent $215 on for senior pictures but not for prom. ??????

This is so not what I signed up for. I bought a prom dress not a dress for taking pics in.
And it's not like I'm poor, but I for sure ain't rich and I could have used that money to pay for the big ass party I am having for my birthday or something.

I just feel like she has taken advantage of my generosity. I feel like I have been used and by one of my favorite family members. It really sucks. It makes me...I don't even know what it makes me, maybe just a dumb ass for thinking that I was doing something good for someone that I care about. It make me see the lack of respect she has for me. It makes me think that she is pretty darned ungrateful, which is sad.

This is the kind of thing that I try to avoid. I feel like crawling into my shell and not letting people in again (which I have done before to protect my feelings). I don't know how many times I can say "This sucks." But it really does.

Stolen Survey

2009-04-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am really bored and need something to do. Thanks to the ladies over at Two Twins for this reading enjoyment! I know y'all aren't really ladies. That would be like someone calling me a lady!

Hi, my name is: Day

Never in my life have I been: As nice as I try to make myself out to be. I'm not nice, kind of bitchy, really. Actually, I might just be a bad egg. There is no hope for me. Save yourselves!

I hate it when: I have to work alone. I usually end up wandering around the grocery store that is across the street or going home and acting like a complete fool. I get really excited/hyper when I see people and can't stop talking.

If you're going to talk smack about me: Say it to my face. I hate hearing it thru the grapevine. Your fate will be decided by my mood. I might yell, I might punch, I might tell you to shove it, I might just walk away. Better bet...don't talk shit about me. Period.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: My husband. He's lucky he's still alive or at least still married. I could really kill him sometimes, but I love him.

When I'm nervous: Drink lots of wine.

The last song I listened to was: Aerosmith "Don't wanna miss a thing" We try to listen to non-offensive music in the office. I swear every time the big boss comes in I am listening to some gansta rap or "I wanna sex you up" or something!

If you were to get married today your maid of honor/best man would be: I am married and I would pick the same MoH. My BFF. She's awesome! She is getting my 30th b-day party planned for me! I am super excited for that.

My hair is: in need of a cut, in need of some color, overly flat ironed. This morning I singed some of my bangs. It smelled pretty foul!

When I was 5: I was super cute...what happened?

Last Halloween: I dressed up as a pirate. I have a thing for them. No, I love them. Dirty, crude, sea-fairing beasts that they are. I also worked at my lovely wine bar.

I should: go home. Today is lame. My job is lame lately.

When I look down: The plastic carpet covery thing that my chair rolls around on.

The happiest recent event is: Taste Washington. My Redneck said it was the happiest he has seen me in a long time. Never mind the copious amounts of wine that I drank...

My current annoyance is: My job. See above. But, really, it used to be busy, the phone used to ring, I used to make good money. Not anymore. Damned recession! I want to give this economic down turn the finger!

I have a hard time understanding: So many things! People that don't know how to drive (ie do the speed limit on the freeway, use blinkers), down right stupid people, some of the dumb ass customers that call my office with dumb ass questions/requests

There's this girl who I know: Who is "well built" just like me!

The thing I want to buy is: A new Louis Vuitton purse. I told Redneck I really wanted a new one for my 30th but that is not gonna happen. I just spent $1000 on tires for my stupid car and $400 on tickets to Phoenix for Thanksgiving and $400 on wine in Woodinville a couple weeks before. So, yeah, the savings account has been severely wounded. I will shed a tear every time I drive on my lame 18" wheels. OH why did I buy you damned wheels! I wish I knew 4 years ago how expensive tires would be.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: Starbucks. It's an addiction, I know. So shut up!

What was the last thing someone bought for you: I think Starr bought me a Coke Zero. It was delicious

My middle name is: Theresa. Same as my mom.

In the morning: I push snooze once. Then give Sir Budrick some lovings, put on his collar. Lay in bed and watch the weather. Then get ready for the day.

Last night I was: farting around w/ our cable box in our livingroom. I swear it must have been possessed! Then on the treadmill, then off to TGA to meet up w/ some friends. Good times.

Tomorrow I am: going to pick up stuff for Easter dinner then running on the treadmill again then I don't know what!

Insanity...It's contagious

2009-04-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

I took yesterday off from work. It was 75 in Seattle, totally rare for April. I spent most of the day farting around with my husband. We went to Home Depot...I know, so cliche, whatever. We also stopped to get some iced coffee refreshment because shopping at the HD is so intense. Of course Mr. Redneck gets the biggest freakin' coffee ever.

So, driving home, doing 50 mph, windows down, sun roof open, hubby the redneck has a great idea. There are two boys, probably about 12 yrs old, riding their bikes on the sidewalk.

"I'm gonna throw my coffee at them. I hope they fall off their bikes."

This is so out of character for him. I bust up laughing. You see, I am the crazy one. The one that wants to do violent, malicious things, mostly to him. My husband is usually gentle and caring. WTF! I can hardly drive I am laughing so hard. He starts laughing too.

"I'm sorry, Honey. Sometimes my sadistic side has to come out too. It sounded like a good idea when I said it. It would have been funny to hit one of them."

I realized that I must have pushed him over the edge. We have been married too long!

Stop...or my penis will shoot

2009-04-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

The day started off normal enough. Get up, get to work, grab some coffee at Starbie's. Little did I know that a phone call was going to change all that!

A customer calls.

"Hi, I think I need to file a claim. Have you watched the news lately? Heard about the family in (insert town here)?"

"No, I haven't."

"Oh, ok. It would have made explaining the situation easier. My house was broken into on Wednesday night while we were sleeping. The suspect drank our alcohol, used my computer to look up porn and left his, uh, DNA all over the computer and carpet in my family room. The police have confiscated my computer and said that I probably won't get it back."

I am dead silent. Is this a joke? Is this lady for real?

"I want to know if my home owners policy will cover replacing my carpet. I have kids. I don't want them around it and I don't want to touch it!"

OK...she's serious. I hate my job at times like this. I want to be empathic, but I want to laugh. So I have to tell her that an adjuster will have to make the decision. I have to go thru the claim process w/ her. The entire time I am going back and forth between being utterly grossed out and utterly amused.

So, my co-worker and I get nosy and look for the news story on the internet. Yup, it's there. The best part is that the dude walked in thru an unlocked door! Just goes to show you that even if you live in a small town, weird shiz or jizz happens and it happens all over your carpet.

Bitchfest

2009-04-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

I have very few things that piss me off. One of them is...adults that act like freakin' children and that is what I am going to rant about. Ready. Here goes.

I am the least serious person you will ever meet. I joke, I laugh, I generally have a good time, I say stupid things to make other people laugh. This is me. Mildly offensive me.

Recently it has come to my attention that my sister in law never wants to be around me again. I supposedly called her a "Mexican" which offended her. I don't even remember doing this and I can assure you that it was me being silly. I freakin' call myself a cracker, white trash, honky all the time. Whatever. So SIL calls my mom and is complaining about my Brother B's health and how he shouldn't be drinking and blah, blah, blah. B's an adult! Are you serious? Why do I feel the urge to call her a tattle tail? Anyways, somewhere in all this BS she tells my mom that she doesn't ever want to be around me because I offended her. And that she is not Mexican she is Spanish and Scottish. Spanish my ass! Really, if you have a problem with something I say don't go to my freakin' mom. Confront me on it. I can take it. How old are we you might ask? I am almost 30 GD years old and she is pushin' 50! Grow the f*ck up! The more I think about this the angrier I get. She has also made it pretty evident that she isn't very fond of my Brother C either. So I guess she just likes to hate.

But, you know what...it's your loss. You go ahead and sit around and pout and hold grudges. Be the child that you obviously are. I am moving on. You're not worth my time!

And I'm spent!

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it

2009-04-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

I am going to Taste Washington this Sunday!!!!!!!!!

I have been wanting to go for years now and since I work at a wine bar I got VIP tickets for a really good price. There will be over 800 wines to and over 50 fine restaurants to sample. Talk about Wino Heaven! I am so freakin' excited. So what if it was $85. It will be well worth it, I am sure. I plan on drinking lots of screelicious wine and eating lots of screelicious food!

When urinals attack

2009-03-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I was makin' dinner for my Redneck when he comes into the kitchen.

"I have to tell you this before I forget. Today when I got to work I had to pee. I am in the bathroom and something funny happened."

I am thinking to myself...nothing funny happens in the bathroom. Strictly business! So I ask "Did someone look at your junk?"

"No, no, no. Just listen. I am getting ready to pee so I untuck my shirt, unzip but after I start I notice a sock in the urinal. I think it was yours cuz it had a light blue stripe around the top and it was small. It must have been stuck to the inside of my shirt and fell out when I untucked it. I was trying to figure out a way to save it. When I was done I turned around to grab a paper towel (eww!) but they are those sensor urinals...and it flushed. IT SUCKED YOUR SOCK DOWN THE DRAIN! Like in that commercial where the dude is putting plants and dog food down his toilet!"

I just stare at him "Are you serious? You flushed my sock down a urinal at work today?"

"Yup."

She's A Brick House!

2009-03-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

So, I might be an insurance goddess by day, but by night I am a swarthy wine wench. That's right! I serve up wine and spirits one night a week. I work with some of the most hilarious peeps there.

A couple weeks ago we were busy as hell. Running around like chickens w/ their heads cut off (I love that saying!) Oh, but I forgot to tell you about my buddy Tootie. She is a server there with me. We have had people that don't know us ask if we are sisters...probably because we are both pretty tall, have dark brown hair and big boobies.

Back to my story. We are busy, busy. All the tables and bars are full. We are happy cuz that means good tips for us. We close up, clean up and go home satisfied w/ our dough.

Next day...some dude comes in and talks to another server, The Starr. Here's how it went down.

Guy: I was in here last night and I feel bad about the tip I left. I was drinking a little too much.
TS: Oh, ok. Do you know who your server was?
Guy: Well, I don't remember her name.
TS: Do you remember what she looked like?
Guy: Yeah. She was tall with dark hair and well built *holds arms out to insinuate big boobies*
TS: Ok, I will make sure she gets it.

Ok, lets think back my my earlier description of Tootie and myself. Yeah. That applies to both of us. We got such a kick out of his description that we split the $20 that he dropped off.

Thank God for big boobies!

I have my first....

2009-03-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

Blurkers!

Now I know how y'all feel! Hello little blurkers. How are you? Hope you are good.

Please, if you read my blog...you must comment! Especially if you are going to follow me!

Say hi....something!

I talk way too much shiz

2009-03-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

I get really bored at work sometimes. I mean, REALLY bored...especially on the days that I am here by myself.

Thank God for the floor to ceiling windows that let me view the bustling parking lot of the wonderful strip mall that my office calls home.

I started making up boredom-induced names for the people that I see day-in and day-out frequenting the evil that is Starbucks, which happens to be the next freakin' door to me. Anyway, it's like "Ugly Naked Guy" on Friends. I make up the names mostly based on physical features. These people brighten my day in ways that you will never know!

OK, lets start with "Lady That Left Her Kid In The Car." This silly cow parked her car right in front of my office, went into Starbucks for her liquid refreshment, assuming it would be a quick trip. Along comes a cop, yup! He is walking down the sidewalk and happens to look over into her car. What does he see? You guessed it, a kid, about 2 or 3 years old, tied up in her car seat. He doesn't waste any time writing a ticket. Mom comes out with her giant cup-o-ccino, sees the cop and starts begging and pleading, shaking her head, crying. All while I sit at my desk and laugh. So she will forever be...lady that left her kid in the car.

Then there is "Tight Pants Guy." I wish I had a picture cuz this guys jeans are so tight I swear he's gonna pop something in his nether regions! So tight that you can see lumps and bulges of his junk! Come on, you know you would look too! It's a train wreck! He totally reminds me of a greaser from The Outsiders, rolled up t-shirt sleeves and all! I feel bad talking about him. He's really polite. Holds the door open for me at Starbie's and always says hello. Oh well.

Hmm....I guess "Big Hair Lady" should be next. She's probably about 45, but looks a little rode hard and put away wet. Too much tanning, lots of wrinkles and the biggest freakin hair you have seen! It's a little shorter than shoulder length but all flipped up...all over. She has big bangs too. Like in the 80's. She must use copious amounts of mousse to get it all fluffed out. I'd say she has a can a day habit.

"Mystery Man" works in the same strip mall as I do. He is the mystery man because we think he's gay, but we're not sure. I have talked to him before and I can't make up my mind. He has the weirdest walk ever! I can't even describe it. A few days ago he wore black skinny jeans tucked into black uggs. That might be the key.

Last and certainly least is "Wee Man." He is about 5'1" and it's not just that he's short, because I don't mind short...He's tiny, like, I wanna put him in my pocket, tiny. He has to buy his clothes in the little boys dept because his pants are too short. He wears a black Members Only jacket and a blue untucked button up every time I see him, but the button up comes down to his knees like a sleep shirt! He wears Puma like sneakers, but I have a feeling they are "expensive." I will give him props on his car tho...it's a new Porsche Cayman, but we have decided that it must have adjustable foot pedals!

Say Hello To My Drunken Friend...

2009-03-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

The famed Alf just called me. I love her so! She makes me laugh until I pee!

I answer the phone at work with my usual schpeel. Then I get this "What's up you dirty bitch?" Ah, Alf. Always so complimentary! I do notice something unusual in her tone. Well, not so much tone as the overwhelming giggling coming from her yap.

"I'm drunk! I have had 2 beers, but they were the Arrogant Bastard Ales, so they are big. So really it's like 3. And I haven't eaten yet. Guess what else? I have already had two "O's" this morning!" I assume she is not talking about Cheerios.

"I DID AN IRISH GUY ON ST PATRICK'S DAY!!!"

Quite the accomplishment, but just a few days ago she told me there would be no wiener touching until after April 20th.

"It's St. Patrick's Day. Eff me, I'm Irish. Wait, suck me, I'm Irish!" She is cackling like Broomhilda on Looney Toons!

The last time I heard Alf talk this much was at a Winter Beer Fest we went to about 2 years ago. I pretty much let her get it all out.

"I told him about beef curtains. I even told him about Beef Curtains With Drippy Au Jus." I know...this creates a very graphic image. I told y'all. Alf and I are pretty raunchy. We developed this BCWDAJ saying around the same time when Britney Spears was running around without chonnies, lettin' it all hang out.

"I got him a freezy beer mug that says 'I'm Irish.' So when he drinks he'll think of me."

"I want Mexi food. I can walk there. I need to eat. I think I am going to go to Finnegans and have some green beer."

Then I made the mistake of telling Alf I was making corned beef, cabbage and potatoes for dinner with an array of Guinness, Magner's and Smithwicks to drink. It wasn't really a mistake. Alf is always good company!

"OHHHHHHH. That's awesome. You know, you could invite me over."

Alf says she will be wearing a "gay ass shamrock hat." I tell her that I have some St. Patty's day beads that she can wear too. "Will I have to show my boobs?"
"No, Alf, it's not Mardi Gras!"
"Oh, yeah. I get confused. One's in February, one's in March. You'd have to tell The Redneck to close his eyes so he wouldn't see my boobies."
"Yeah, I'll tell him to close his eye."
"You sick bitch! His eye, like, one eye."

Alf is very dirty. That is not what I meant! Freudian slip, I guess.

So, since I'm at work and the phone is ringing, I cut our conversation short.

"Ok, Day, call me when you leave work. I promise I won't be drunk when I come over tonight."

She might not be drunk when she gets to my house, but I have a sinking she will be drunk very soon after she gets there!

It's St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

...But that's not what this post is about.

I went to Woodinville Wine Country last Saturday. I had every intention of drinking free or almost free wine, getting drunk and leaving with nothing but intoxicated memories of what I tasted.

That didn't happen.

We started out at Pomum around noon. They released their first ever Tempranillo so I bought three bottles. We tasted four wines there too. Their Shya Red Blend is delish! I want you to keep track....FOUR.

Moving on. Darby. Three here, plus I whipped out my wine industry credentials and got a barrel tasting that won't be released until May. Gooooood! OK, FOUR more.

Guardian. Cool names for wines. The Gun Metal was umm, umm, good and THREE more tastings.

I should also say that by this time I am getting hungry. They have snacks and shiz but I need some food in mah bell-ay! I have heard that the next joint, Mark Ryan, is making sliders! Let's go!

So, FOUR more there.

Baer ONE more, Sparkman THREE more, Barrage THREE more, Cuillen Hills FOUR more and finally Des Voigne FOUR more.

At the last stop I swirled my wine so freakin' hard, it splashed all over my white shirt. Yup, that's when I knew that I was done. Drunk bee-yotch!

OK, let's tally up the wine. I figure about 30 oz. on an empty stomach! My mom was our chauffeur and she was offended by my drunkenness. I get a little obnoxious...who doesn't?

And...it definitely wasn't cheap! I swear I bought all the expensive ones! Damn my love for wine!

Damn it all to hell!

I'm going to hell in a hand basket...Who's comin' with me?

2009-03-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

I am such a horrible person! I used to be under the impression that I was all sweet and nice and kind. Not anymore!

I get to work this morning and my husband, The Redneck, has emailed me. Here is what he wrote.

I had some excitement on my way walking to work today. I saw a lady get hit by a car while she was crossing the street. It was just before the intersection by Nordstrom's. She was kind of running across the street from the parking garage and there was no traffic coming in the direction she was looking... The problem was she was on a one way street looking the wrong way. There was a Prius that had just dropped someone off at the curb and it took off with the driver looking backwards... The direction the traffic was coming from. He must have turned just in time to see her right in front of him because he managed to slam on the brakes just before he hit he. He was probably doing about 10 mph when she got hit. Everyone around the area came running over and the girl just kind of popped up onto her feet and brushed herself off. I was on the other side of the street and saw she was ok so I just kept walking like I didn't see anything. I heard her say she was fine just a little shook up and embarrassed. She must have been on her way to a meeting because she had a bunch of papers that got thrown down when she was hit.FRIDAY THE 13TH STRIKES AGAIN!!!!

I laughed so hard I almost peed myself! I didn't stop and wonder "Is she ok?" Nope, I laughed my ass off! I really wish I could have seen it for myself. It would have been priceless!

So, then I roll into a dirty little conversation w/ Irish.

It was all about Dane Cook!

Irish:HEY!!! Why don't I get some of the eye candy?!?!? Sorry, Ashlee now has a big pile of drool all over her desk!!!

Day:Isn't that the best pic ever! He looks so sexy!

Irish:Can you send it to me? Pretty please!!!

Day:Enjoy!

Irish:I think I need to go home and take a VERY cold shower!!!!

Day:I KNOW! That pic makes me feel very naughty!

Irish:I just want to print it off and rub it all over me! LOL

Day:I am tempted to blow it up and put it on the ceiling in my bedroom....good idea, huh?

Irish:That's a GREAT idea!!! I bet I could wall paper my bedroom with it!!

Day:Totally! It would make for the best sex ever! Oh Dane, oh Steve! LOL

What's really awesome about this is both of our significant others are named Steve! So it works for both of us!

Afternoon Delight with Alf

2009-03-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

No, we didn't do anything dirty. Well, yeah we did, but it was just the profanity flying from our mouths. My friend Alf brings out the worst in me...in a good way. With her I feel free to talk about all the gross ideas that run through my mind.

Alf describes me as "an experience." She says it's because I am crazy and foul, but to look at me you would never guess it! She says I look "classy" but talk "trashy." I find this all very amusing.

So, Alf comes to see me at work yesterday which is cool because I was alone in the office. I see her pull up and get out of her car. She is wearing one of those leg braces that goes from crotch to ankle. She has this special swagger as she walks in! I immediately laugh. She plops down. Let the games begin!

I start prattling on about Dane Cook. He will be in Seattle June 5th. How I totally want to go see him. How he put up some new pics on myspace and looks like a tasty man morsel. He IS on my Laminated List, you know. I just have got to know if his sex jokes are for real and if they are it sounds like he could do ya sideways! Anyway, our discussion went right into the gutter from this point. One of our favorite sayings when we think someone is especially hot is "I would eat his butt with a spoon." Of course this applies to Mr. Cook.

Our next topic of conversation was a lovely dinner discussion that Alf had while out with her friends. These friends are a couple that are expecting their first child. Also at the dinner table was the guy's parents. From what Alf told me, she was talking about placenta and how it's good for your hair. I would assume because of the protein. IDK. She is a twisted sucker!

Alf told me she had a dream about smoking pot. She doesn't even like pot, but that's not the funny part. She said that she was so high in the dream it was ridiculous. She was laying on a couch asking everyone for Cheetos, wandering around proclaiming how high she was, giggling and laughing. Actually, the funny thing is it made me want Cheetos.

The conversation moved on. Alf is moving onto a sailboat soon. She's a hippie, so this totally works for her. I was interested so I asked if the boat has "facilities," you know, like a toilet, shower, etc. Come to find out, it does, but she would have to dispose of the "waste" and that sounds just wrong. She pondered the idea of dropping trow, hanging her butt over the edge of the boat and doing her business. Then I asked, "What if someone walks by?" "Oh, I would just say sorry. Don't hit that with your boat. It'll leave a mark." By this time I am in tears. She is too funny! Alf says there are showers and toilets along the dock. It's $.25 per minute for the shower. She's pretty low maintenance so that'll work. Then I start thinking.
Day "What if you have to shave?"
Alf "I'll bring more quarters."
Day "But what if you have to shave a lot. You know, clean up Anastasia Beaverhausen for the big night or something."
Massive laughter!
Day "You might just have to go to a friends house. Not mine. Find another friend."
Alf "Come on."
Day "As long as you clean up the shower afterwards. Maybe."

We took a few moments to look up pics of a wretched beast of a girl we used to be friends with. We wanted to make fun since she has gotten fat. Please see the delightful blog of Irish Girl for details on said wretched beast. Anyway, she deleted the only pic of her ginormousness! How rude!

Alf hates her roommate. She is supposed to be all enlightened because she teaches a meditation class. RIGHT! Then, as if she were giving the most special parting gift, Alf has one more twisted thought to share.
"I hope when I go home that my roommate has fallen down the stairs. I hate her!"
Day "Oh, like on Death Becomes Her! All jangled and broken!"
Alf "Yeah, then I will kick her. Does that hurt? *kicks at an imaginary roommate lying on the floor*
Day "You should jump up and down on her. Hurt her s'more. Kick her while she's down!"
Alf "She's such a C.U. Next Tuesday!"
Day "Yeah she is. She's a fake meditation guru. She's an angry guru!"

I wish I could remember more. Most was probably too profane for your virgin eyes and ears!

Another Gay Story

2009-02-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

Recently I had the pleasure of taking my redneck husband to a gay bar. I know, my last post was about a gay bar too. I don't go very often, but it seems like all kinds of shenanigans happen at "the gay bar." It doesn't matter which one I go to, something funny happens.

I had already drank a few glasses of wine at home because pre-funking is a must. Get there, get another glass, so I am feelin' pretty good. Oh, I forgot the explain that "redneck" has never been to a gay bar before. He's cool though. Just taking it all in.

"Redneck" is commenting on how tall this chick is. I took me a minute to figure out that she was a he just a few years ago. It made me sad to look at her. It was the worst boob job I have ever seen. Maybe it's because she was so tall, the boobies were all but on her stomach. Pretty much a train wreck, but do what makes you happy.

Then I notice this gorgeous girl wearing, possibly the shortest leopard print tube dress ever. I point her out to "redneck." Then I tell him that she is still a he. "Redneck" is in awe. I love queens! Especially when they are prettier than me! Not really, but I do find transsexual, transgender folks fascinating. Anyways, she had a friend with her. This "girl" not so pretty. I would say...burly, yeah, that's it. "Redneck" is cracking up at this point. The burly one is just too much for him, because, really, there is nothing like a 250 pound gay man, dressed like a chick, walking gingerly in heels. Thank God we had a private section for the party we were with.

The best part was the extremely large, goth lesbian. She came with two friends and sat on the couch next to our group. Keep in mind that the area said RESERVED. Whatever. She is full on rawkin' out, head-banging, Beavis and Butthead style to Flo Rida, yes, Flo Rida. Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, Flo Rida. It was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.

Then there was this dude, Troy, that was trying to hit on my brother. It was hilarious. My sister-in-law was right there next to him and was dying! "MMM...if he wasn't straight!" was all the dude kept saying! Same dude told me he was gonna steal my necklace and that all women need gay male friends "cuz they keep their sistas looking fierce!" He told my sis-in-law that he was gonna kill her and steal her boots. Pretty crazy! I swear he kept checkin' out my bro all night long.

I was very proud of my redneck. He stepped out of his comfort zone and actually had a good time! I love introducing him to new worlds!

Reliving my youth

2009-02-19T15:37:00.000-08:00

I am still sick, still mentally challenged, but I feel like reminiscing.

Picture it...Seattle, 1999. A sad little Friday.

I was 20, longing to be 21 because I was way too chickenshit to have a fake ID. My friend was getting ready to go out to a drag queen show. Damn! I want to go too. He started making phone calls to all his friends. After about, oh, forever, we have a plan. I am going to be a part of "the show". I know, I'm a chick not a drag queen. Oh friggin' well.

I was told to do up my make up and wear something tight and showy. I could do that, especially if it meant I was going to get into a bar!

The big day arrived. I make my way to my friend W's. I was lookin' good...black skirt w/ a big slit in the side, heels, hoochie shirt and make up galore. We go pick up my drag queen counterpart and headed to the club. I was nervous as hell, but they didn't even card me! I WAS PART OF THE SHOW! My head was spinning...how do I act, what do I say if someone talks to me. OMG...I need a drink. So my dumb ass starts downing Midori Sours.

Shut up! I was a sheltered child! After about 3 I am doing better (they were free too).

So, there I am...in a gay bar...at a drag show...a girl trying to be a guy trying to be a girl.

Oh, no. Someone wants to talk to me! Freakin' out, freakin' out!

I am approached by the lovely Miss Roxy. S(he) was very tall and happened to be wearing the biggest stripper shoes I had ever seen. Miss Roxy was extremely blond and was wearing the most fabulous pleather mini skirt, white tank top and matching cropped pleather jacket. Miss Roxy started talking to me.

Roxy: Honey, who does your make up?
Day: Oh, I do.
Roxy: REALLY. It's perfect.
Day: Thanks, I try.
Roxy: You are just gorgeous.
Day: Well thank you Miss Roxy. You're pretty hot yourself.
Roxy: FLAWLESS, ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS. You work it girl.
Day: I do and I will.

I didn't know whether to giggle or what because Miss Roxy thought that I was a drag queen too! I wanted to say "I'm a real girl! That's why I am flawless!" but I couldn't.

In all actuality, it was a huge compliment and I would like to thank Miss Roxy and her hot ass for making me feel beautiful.

MUAH!

Today is not my day

2009-02-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

I AM SICK. I hate being sick. I am the worst patient in the world.

I had something friggin funny to say, but the sickness is clouding my mind! You know what I need to do...shove another Kleenex up my nose, get another cup of tea, take s'more Tylenol Cold, then go drink some wine. Yes, that will solve all my problems. Wait...I forgot my Tylenol Cold at home...damn pestilence making me forget shiz!

I wish someone would put me out of my misery. Really. Hit me over the head w/ a skillet, give me some ruffies. I DON'T CARE! Just make it stop!

All day I have been answering the stupid phone here at work and everyone feels sorry for me. I sound like a jacked up frog. I love when people say "I hope you feel better soon." YEAH...SO DO I! Do you think I enjoy being sick (even though I could blow an impressive snot rocket now). No, no, no!

Alright, jerks...there's a cup of tea with my name on it. I'm gonna go find it!

My Obsession

2009-02-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I must be really bored today. I think I have done a million faceinhole.com's. I like this one because it's me and my fictional boyfriend, Edward Cullen. Oh, Edward.
Yeah. I need to get to work!

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the "tag" Kaylyn.....

1. I am terrified of birds.
2. I despise computers. They help me w/ my job and shopping, but I have absolutely no patience w/ them.
3. I love reading! Just wish I had more time to do it.
4. I listen to lots of RAP...yes, rap. I love it! 50 cent, Jay-Z, Ice Cube, G-Unit. I could go on forever. Steve cracks up when we are in the car and I am rappin' like a pro. Can I get a "WHAT, WHAT"
5. I hated men until I met Steve. I used them up like TP.
6. I am totally OCD.
7. I can quote "So I Married an Axe Murder" any line, any time!
8. My fave movie growing up was Cinderella. Yup, I can quote that one too.
9. I have been 5'10" since I was 11 years old. It sucked!
10. I'm going to be 30 soon...buy me present! =)
11. I knew Steve for 12 hours before we jumped into our long distance relationship.
12. My brother is old enough to be my dad! He is 19 years old than I am. My sister could feasibly be my mom. She is 17 years older than I am. Then, I have one brother that is 14 years older than I am. Crazy!
13. I have 5 nephews, 6 nieces, 1 great-niece and 3 great-nephews.
14. I love to cook
15. I hate clutter and throw stuff away ALL THE TIME!
16. My co-worker and I like to drink Coke Zero and burp really loud in the office. It's just us here and it keeps the world of insurance exciting.
17. I have serious trust issues and hate making new friends because of it.
18. I am the clumsiest person on the planet. Kinda like Chunk on The Goonies. I drop everything.
19. I haven't seen my natural hair color in about 16 years! LOL!
20. I need to go shopping, really bad, for new pants!
21. I love coffee, but not Starbucks. I will take a little ma and pop stand over the Buxx any day.
22. I have to plan everything. Down to the 15 minute increment. OK, not really, only when we went to Disney World.
23. My cousin is a drag queen and when he is all done up....he looks like ME! Friggin' awesome.
24. I don't want kids...yet. So stop asking me!
25. I hate paying the bills, but I have to cuz Steve is not responsible!

I have a secret...

2009-02-06T14:12:00.000-08:00

It's time that I come clean. I have a big secret. This is so hard for me to say....

The impending doom of my thirtieth birthday is quickly approaching. That's right, the big three-oh!

How can I be turning 30? It seems like just yesterday I was 21. Partying like a rock star. Doing things that my mother wouldn't approve of. Being adventurous and spontaneous and stupid!

Now here I am, 29 and 3/4, looking at the few months I have left in my 20's. I still don't know whether to laugh or cry hysterically. I don't FEEL 30. I guess the old saying is true "time marches on" but I'm not going quietly! At first I didn't want a party. I wanted to shut myself in my closet with a few bottles of wine and cry. At least there I could enjoy my shoes. I have changed my mind though. I want a big ass, full-blown, drunken spree of a party.

I have told my husband and my BFF what my expectations are, but I also wanted to give them something to refer to.

This is a link to the invite I would like to use.

I like this cake...MINUS the big floofy bow BS. I think that the top layer should have more polka dots and be more random and the bottom layer should be brighter pink with swirls, like the invite!

And, everyone already knows where the party will be held, The Grape, duh!

OK, enough planning. Oh, just one more thing. I will definitely be requiring a bottle of expensive champagne to start with. Veuve Clicquot La Grande Dame, s'il vous plait! After that bottle, it won't matter!

So, please, shed a tear for the passing of my youth or just get piss drunk with me!

Wining and dining

2009-02-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

These last few weeks I have been struggling...with what you ask.

Making dinner!

I am so tired of cooking that I could pull my eyeballs out! I am usually "little Suzy homemaker" but lately I really want to give my kitchen the finger. Maybe it's because I am so anal retentive that I have to plan my menu for the whole week. Maybe it's because Steve and I haven't been out to dinner, except for The Grape, in months. Maybe I'm out of new ideas. I don't friggin' know!

So Monday night we go out. I was so excited! I really wanted to celebrate my husband's promotion at work. I am so proud of him! Anyway, we went to The Melrose. It was delish, especially because I didn't have to make it. I got to spend time with my Stevie and drink wine. Two of my favorite things to do.

Then last night we did this "Roving Renton" thing. You go to four restaurants and get food and wine. It was awesome! We started at The Melrose and got a caesar and Apex II Merlot. I usually don't dig Merlot, but this one was good. Smooth with very little tannins.

Next we were off to Armondo's. There we were served braised lamb shanks with a cinnamon orange gremolatta and Bogle Petit Sirah. The food was fantastic. The wine was average. It had lots of dark berry notes. It was too big of a wine for my mom, so she gave it to me and Steve to share. I guess I am too much of a wine snob. I think that wineries like Bogle and Chateau Ste. Michelle are totally overrated.

The Red House was our next stop. The food and wine were delicious on their own, but I didn't like the pairing as much. We ate grilled granny smith apples topped with a potato gratin. The wine was an Argentinian rose. I did get to see an old friend from school, so that was nice!

The last stop was Blossom, a new Asian fusion joint. Dessert was awesome and my favorite pairing, by far! Mango mousse with a chocolate "spoon" and The Red House white blend. It had lots of tropical fruit notes. Yum-o!

Yes, I feel like I can go home tonight and cook dinner again! Back to my ho-hum, mundane life!

Super Bowl XLIII

2009-02-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

Here I sit at my brother's house watching the Super Bowl. I must tell y'all that my family is truly f'ed up! I love 'em, but they are all loco! Here are some highlights from my day.

I crack my first beer at 11:53 AM. Shoot, it's almost noon and it's for sure 5 o'clock somewhere. My mom comes over to pick us up. She is always our DD.

We get to my bro's were I proceed to gorge myself on homemade tortillas, chili verde and layered bean dip. Thank God for my rad Latino fam. That's right...I said RAD. In addition, I drink beer, like 5(remember, I'm a wino) and get all bloated and burpy. SUCKY, but wait, plop plop...fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is. Alka Seltzer to the rescue.

SWAGGA...if you watched the game, you know. Anyone that says their name and bypasses saying what college they went to for the word swagga....yeah...ghetto fab.

My almost 9 yr old nephew, Gage is yelling about the Steelers. "I hate them. You know why they are the Steelers, cuz they steal. They are thieves. They steal the steel." Pretty profound for a kid, if you ask me.

My husband is sitting in an ultra old vibrating chair. It looks like a torture device! He digs it though. It's so loud that we can't hear the TV. I think it might be exciting him. Weird and gross!

Then the family hi jinx begin. My nephews, 9 yr old Gage and 22 yr old Joe, are messing around. The 9 yr old farts in his brother's mouth. Something I find quite amusing. As previously noted, I have been a little gassy. I save one up and while they are rough housing I get 'em good! Right in the face. What can I say, we are nasty folks.

Then my nephew Joe has some salad tong pinchery things. He is running around the house snapping them together, calling them "Nipple Cripplers." I manage to evade the nipple crippling...this round. Then I hear "Grab him by his lil smokie!" WTF! My 9 yr old nephew is being chased with the "Nipple Crippler" turned "Lil Smokie Pincher."

Fast forward about 5 minutes. I am on the couch, mindin' my own and my crazy arse niece comes running up behind me and cripples my nipple! It scared the crap out of me! And hurt!

OMFG! The Cardinals just scored! 22-20. Hold on boys, HOLD ON!!!!!!

My baby nephew is sitting on the dining room floor, crying, but it sounds more like Chewbacca(sp?). He's pissed that he can't traipse around the house with a chocolate cookie.

This is the best day ever! I love my family! =)

Sir Budrick of Buddington

2009-01-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

I would like to introduce you to my son, um...dog, Buddy. As you can

see, he is royalty. Ok, not really, but he has been knighted. Yes, he is a Mexican British knight! Sir Budrick is the coolest f'ing dog, EVER!

I have taught him the fine art of wine tasting. He has to hold his own being in a house full of winos. He has mastered the sniff, swirl, sip technique. Of course, I do have to help him with the swirl, but he has the sniff and sip down!

Sorry about the cleave. Boobs happen. Sir Budrick dined on apples, cheese and wine after this picture was taken. He is very much a "wine snob", but he comes by that naturally.

I recently bought a companion for Bud. It also doubles as a handy, dandy wine holder...imagine that! I don't think Bud is too fond of LB (Little Bud), but whatever. Maybe he is jealous that LB gets to be so close to the wine all the time.

Bud enjoys eating pizza with his dad, err...my husband Steve. Bud is also a connoisseur of fine cheeses. His favorite being aged Gouda.

Bud loves dressing up for Halloween, just like me! Don't mind that forlorn look on his sweet lil face. He loves it!

Sir Bud loves to lay by the fire or any heat source! Vents, furnaces, fires, he's not picky. If it's hot, he's there.

He likes to hide under blankets on the couch, so please be careful when you come over to my house. Sometimes he is kind enough to leave his puppy face out so you can see him.

The best thing about Sir Budrick is that he is a vampire! Look at those fangs and red eyes! I told you he was cool!

From Insurance to Vaginas

2009-01-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

So, sometimes my job is pretty boring. My friends keep me entertained though.

A:Do you have snow there? Or at your house?
D:It's all gone now.
A:Yea it is all gone here. But at my house it is still there. So what is the deal with Jen and this PUP that she supposedly referred to us? Did a claim happen or what?
D:I have no idea. She is freaky deaky dutch.
A:I figured. But I was just wondering. Dutch people are weird! So Marti’s blob is going to be funny. it has more conversations on it. But she hasn’t posted yet, I think.
Are you doing more moving this weekend?
D:Oh no, I already read that shizz! Funny! I really like the one about you and your period!
We will probably go over on Saturday and finish up the move.
A:Yes the one about my period is funny. Ok I am glad you read it. I need to update my blog. I was going to blob about Gracie having a good month next month. Hopefully you don’t get more sick!
D:Cuz she is black! LOL! I am wearing a friggin mask, a la michael jackson, when I clean up on Saturday!
A:That will be hot!! I hope you name your children Blanket and Blanket Jr. And yes cause she is black and she has a saggy vag.
D:Eww...I did not need to know that Gracie has a saggy vag! But really, is it from age or too much mclovin?
A:So Marti had a good idea when she was tanning! We should have a girls night!
D:Can we get driz-unk and fart in people's mouffs when they aren't expecting it??
If so, then I am down! ;)
A:Yes I will have plenty of beans on hand! That will be hott!!! It is from getting her vag cut out. Cause she is spayed, and most cats or dogs who get spayed get saggy vages cause there is nothing there anymore.
D:Got it. I have never had a girl animal so I don't know these things. I just have a ball-less dog. He does have a nice fleshy patch were they where!

My very own lymric

2009-01-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

This lovely little poem was created in a drunken state.

There once was a girl named Daylene.
Whose humor was rather obscene.
Her husband named Steve
Got it all over his sleeve
And said "Honey, you're no longer the queen."

Yes, this is the kind of stuff my dirty friends do while intoxicated!

I am evil...yes I am!

2009-01-23T11:25:00.000-08:00

I am on the board for my home owners association and lately shizz has been pissing me off.

People have troubles lifting the lid on the dumpster to put the trash inside. So bags pile up around the bottom of the dumpsters. Then the squirrels bust open the trash bags and spew garbage everywhere. Blah, blah, blah. How hard is it people, really? I have an issue with trash, too, no an aversion to it. I hate to touch it. I have to compulsively wash my hands after. I'm OCD, shut up!

They also have a really hard time parking where they are supposed to, like all up the fire lane. Not just a few cars, mind you, it's 10 cars deep sometimes. Oh, how I wish that a fire truck would come barrelling through and bash all the cars in! Muah-ah-ah!

Got a little of track, sorry.

So, there has been this old and busted piece of junk car parked in a no parking area for over a week. It looks like its broken down or something. Plus, it's right outside the door to my townhouse and I am really tired of looking at it! Wielding my powers as Secretary of the board (say it with me now..."OHH, AHHH") I get my towing stickers and slap one on the passenger window on Wednesday night. 24 hours and it will be gone! Yay! Thursday I call my husband..."Is the car still there? Go out and look." He comes back inside..."Yup." I call for a tow truck, yes! Now, the evil little child inside of me is jumping for joy. I love being a bitch! A rotten, dirty biatch!

I get home and the tow truck shows up, hooks up and drags that P.O.S. away.

This morning my mom comes over to pick up her grandson aka my dog. She says there is some dude on a cell phone pacing back and forth were the car was. LMFAO! She thinks he was on the phone with the police! Your car wasn't stolen dumb ass! It was friggin' towed! I towed your car, I towed your car! I wanted to go outside and laugh at him and then tell him about all the money he'll be forking over to get the car back. I didn't though. Soon enough he will find out. Soon enough he will understand to powers of....

The Day-Day.

My day has been made.

Power Trippin'

2009-01-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

I almost forgot about my encounter with the 5-0 today!

What do you get when you add a middle aged man, a badge and an unmarked car? You get an asshole on a power trip.

I will be the first person to admit that I drive like a maniac. Not all the time, and certainly not today, but enough. My BFF has commented many times on my abilities. I tailgate, speed, occasionally weave in and out of traffic. My favorite line from Talladega Nights is "I wanna go fast!". I haven't caused any accidents, so get over it.

Anyway. I am getting off the freeway, same exit I use every day. There is no light so you have to get on the gas if you ever want to get out. So I pull out. It's a little icy so I am being careful. I make my left turn and head on my merry way. I am about a quarter mile down the road when I see flashing lights behind me. I pull over thinking the car will pass me. Uh, no. He stops behind me. Confusion! What did I do? Really?

I turn down my music and roll down my window. First I get the badge flash, which is fine cuz he was in plain clothes, but it was like he grew up practicing it! He flipped that wallet open all crazy! "Detective Dillhole with the King County Sheriff." Then the drill. "License, registration and proof of insurance." I oblige. He stands there, reading, for at least a minute. Obviously he was a "special" hire.

So I finally pipe up trying to be as calm and polite as possible. "Excuse me, but do you mind me asking why I am being pulled over?" He looks at me like I am out of my mind. "I was the car that you pulled out in front of back there."

WHAT! Like I said, I will admit when I am driving like a crazy biatch. Today was not one of those days. I wish I could draw you a friggin picture of the intersection, but there was more than enough room.

Then he continues. "I had to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting you. It's called failure to yield. I honked my horn at you and you kept going." Well I was far enough away from you to not hear your horn...JACKASS!

Thank God that I know how to hold my tongue! There were so many thoughts flying through my head! I was pissed! I wanted to be like "How fast were you going that you had to slam on your brakes? Obviously too fast." I kept my cool. I was extremely proud of myself.

He opens his mouth again. "Now, Daylene, when was the last time you had a ticket?"

"To be completely honest, it's been 4 or 5 years." I respond.

"Well, I won't ruin your day by giving you one today."

Then why in the hell did you pull me over! Did your wife not put out last night or worse, could you not get it up? That must be it! Your little peenie doesn't work anymore and you need to flaunt your authority to replace your "manhood".

As I pulled away, I chuckled to myself. "What a dick!"

Fooseball's the Debil

2009-01-19T14:47:00.000-08:00

Well, not really, but whatever. I'm a Seahawks fan and was pretty bummed that our season was so craptacular. Especially since it was Holmie's last one here. I love Holmie. He looks like my brother! It's awesome! I keep telling my bro to dress up in Seahawks junk for Halloween.

So, I watched both games this weekend. I am not really into any of the teams in the playoffs, but it was something to do. My husband is from Arizona, and even though he is a total Hawks fan, we were cheering for AZ. I would have been fine with the Eagles or the Cardinals. My beef is with Shittsbergh (Thanks Marti....love it!). I friggin hate them! Don't get me started on the bullshiz calls from Superbowl XL. It was all garbage. Those refs were PAID to make calls that bad! I get all crazy angry when I think about it! Anyways, my husband says it's not the team, it's the refs, whatever! I will hold a grudge.

I so hope that the Cardinals step up and win. They deserve it and well, the Steelers sure don't! Wave your little yellow towels. I will be waiving a big red one that says "FU Shittsbergh"

You know what I hate????

2009-01-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

Topic of the day - Shrewd ass business men. Maybe I should just refer to them as the skeezy, sleazy, blowing smoke up my ass mo fo's that they are. I HATE IT!

Background on my anger...

I bought my first home about a year and a half ago. It was a condo/townhouse conversion, so they were apartments and have been completely remodeled. I thought I was making a wise decision, you know, what can go wrong in a REMODELED place, right? WRONG!

I have tile that is losing its grout because it wasn't sealed properly or at all. I have a shower insert that was "reglazed" and is already cracking and peeling because they did such a shitty job. I submitted the necessary warranty forms to the developer to get the items fixed, because to my knowledge, anything they touched is under warranty for four years. Yeah, try telling them that! The dirty rat finks are refusing to fix my issues. They are saying it is neglect on my part. That tile is to be resealed every year. NO IT ISN'T!!! That I need to put some caulk in my shower. UM...NO! I am so pissed off I am feeling dizzy, seeing red, shaking and wanting to use multiple expletives to describe them!

My only recourse is to obtain an attorney. WTF!!!! ARE YOU F'ING SERIOUS! I did not spend $220k to bend over, grab my ankles and take it up the ass when I ask them to fix the issues THEY created! Does this douche bag think I am some stupid girl? Obviously he does and OBVIOUSLY HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS DEALING WITH. I am not the kind of person to let this slide. I will be making a phone call to said skeeze-ball developer. I will be discussing arbitration and I will be contacting an attorney, if necessary.

I will get my shit fixed. Oh, yes, my shit will be fixed.

Some funny shizz...

2009-01-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

The junk below is from my myspace blog. Written 10/30/08 . I was just thinking about how funny it was and had to post it here too.

So, I am an insurance agent if you didn't know or care.

I am sitting in my pretty little office, at my pretty little desk, looking like pretty little me when this dude comes in today. He is older, mid 50's I would say. Not what most would call attractive by any means. He's got floppy brown hair with what looked like 1980's bangs, if you know what I mean, black bomber jacket, jeans, friggin New Balance tennies...whatever.

So, he asks me a general question, "If I am driving in Jamaica, am I covered?" I run thru my company policy...but he tells me he isn't insured here...OK?? I let him know that he should contact his carrier to see what their policy is.

Then, here's the good part, he starts telling me about his last trip to Jamaica and how his travel agent told him he was staying at a "European style beach." I get it, dude, people are naked. So then he proceeds to tell me how "forward" the women are. How they were complimenting his, um, "body part." COME ON! I don't need to know that you have a big schlong. He keeps going on and on about women following him around the beach, taking pictures of his junk, telling him they want to perform oral sex! OMG, guy! Settle down! Please also keep in mind that I work in a very nice neighborhood, so this is weird.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I am alone on Thursdays. Anyways I am trying to be as polite as possible, because he might not be a customer now, but he might one day...you know, sales BS. At one point I thought about arming myself with my 4 inch heel. I could shove it in his eye or something right!

He is still talking about all the attention he was getting on this Jamaican beach and how it was so much more than the attention he has gotten in Florida. Then he tells me how sometimes he wears regular swim shorts, but he prefers European Speedos!!!!! Dude, for real, I already have a nasty picture brewin' in my head, don't make it worse! That would be like me telling people I prefer to wear a thong bikini and let all my lard hang out!

So he finally gets up from the chair at my desk...thank GOD he didn't have a hard on.
But I am still in a good mood! HA HA! Can't nothing bring me down today!

Was it a party?

2009-01-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, do you know how your are getting old and lame? Do ya?

It's when your New Years consists of drinking at your house in your friggin jammies. Yup, that's right...JAMMIES. I really wish I had my camera here at work so y'all could see the pics of the matching jammies my BFF and I had on...cuz that's how I roll. Oh and we made our husband's wear matching jammies too! I know...we suck, right?

I did manage to swig down two bottles of champagne. The bitch of it is I hardly had a buzz. WTF! We watched The Goonies and every time one of those little imps in the movie said "you guys" you had to drink. I don't think I can ever watch that movie again! It was re-donk-ulous! I counted 65 before they got to the pirate ship.

Made up for that at my office Christmas party tho. It was at Teatro Zinzanni. We got there around 5:30. I had two glasses of wine before we were sat at 6:30. Another glass of wine w/ the appetizer, another glass w/ the soup. Uh oh, before we get our main course I am seeing two, yes two of the lovely dinner show. My dumb as ends up closing one eye, so I am not seeing double! Thank God...FOOD! I don't think I have ever scarfed down food so fast.

OK, back to work.

I know....I am such an old lady.

Party like it's 1999...wait, 2009

2008-12-31T10:44:00.000-08:00

So, today is New Years Eve. Last day of 2008. As far as I am concerned, 2008 could be over right now. I am ready for the new year. I am ready to put all of the events of 2008 behind me. There have been many wonderful things that have happened this year, but there were enough not so wonderful things that happened this year to make me yearn for a new beginning. A fresh start!

Anyway, my boss has obviously lost his mind and is letting us close at 3 pm! This gives me time to go home and make whole wheat pizza dough...enough for 4 pizzas, black bean dip, baked pita chips, cheesy bread and throw the beer in the fridge! Then around 7 I will get the pizzas ready for the oven. Spinach, goat cheese and picquillo peppers; BBQ chicken w/ smoked mozzarella; pizza margherita; artichoke, black olive and pepronchini. Sounds like a lot, huh? It's all for a good cause. I did most of the cleaning up last night, so I don't have to worry about that!

My BFF and her hubby are coming over. We always have a good time. Mostly drinking and actin' a foo, but it's fun. I have to find our party hats and horns from last year so we can make noise! So, not much more planned than that.

I am looking forward to good food, good friends and good times in 2009!

Happy New Year!

Sham-Pog-Knee

2008-12-30T10:01:00.000-08:00

So, here goes my first blog. Well, not really. I have blogged on myspace, but whatever. I would like to extend a thank you to Miss Marti and Miss Ashlee for pressuring me into this!

Let me start by saying that I LOVE WINE...whites, reds, bubbles. You name it, I'll most likely drink it! Anyway, last night I went to a high end champagne tasting at my favorite place in all of Kent...The Grape Adventure. I am looking for a fantastic bottle for my upcoming 30th birthday. I am what some might call a "bubble slut" due to my love of champagne. I can drink the cheap, wait...affordable bubbles, until the cows come home. If I could afford to, I would drink the expensive stuff until the cows came home and I would continue to drink it until they left for work the next day!

I get my pour of the first one, Boizel. It's light, almost citrusy and refreshing. NOT what I was expecting. Of course, my husband likes this one because it's the CHEAPEST! He might say it tasted the best to him...but I know the price was seriously influencing him!

Second pour, Dom Perignon. Now that's what I was looking for! Toasty, rich and full of tiny, tiny bubbles, YUM! Steve's turn....no likie. He says it smells like dirty sweat socks! Rude! See if I share anymore with him. Go back to drinking your beer, mister!

Next, please. Nicolas Feuillatte Palmes d'Or. The bottle alone makes me want to buy it. Not my fave, but good.

OK, so here is the one I have been waiting for. Veuve Clicquot La Grande Dame. I bought my first bottle of the Veuve Clicquot Yellow Label for my 25th birthday. It's the champagne that started my love affair with champagne! It's my old stand-by. Who doesn't love it?! I am waiting, lustfully, for my taste. It's magic! It has a wonderfully complex flavor...minerals, fruit, toast. Delish! Even better, Steve doesn't like it, says it reminds him of sucking on a pencil. Oh well, more for me.

Last one, Krug. This is the big one. $269 a bottle. This shiz had better be good! It is very good. Even Steve likes it. I just can't bring myself to spend that much on champagne...yet! I'm sure that one day I will.

So, after all that, I am still undecided. WTF!