Say Hello To My Drunken Friend...

The famed Alf just called me. I love her so! She makes me laugh until I pee!

I answer the phone at work with my usual schpeel. Then I get this "What's up you dirty bitch?" Ah, Alf. Always so complimentary! I do notice something unusual in her tone. Well, not so much tone as the overwhelming giggling coming from her yap.

"I'm drunk! I have had 2 beers, but they were the Arrogant Bastard Ales, so they are big. So really it's like 3. And I haven't eaten yet. Guess what else? I have already had two "O's" this morning!" I assume she is not talking about Cheerios.

"I DID AN IRISH GUY ON ST PATRICK'S DAY!!!"

Quite the accomplishment, but just a few days ago she told me there would be no wiener touching until after April 20th.

"It's St. Patrick's Day. Eff me, I'm Irish. Wait, suck me, I'm Irish!" She is cackling like Broomhilda on Looney Toons!

The last time I heard Alf talk this much was at a Winter Beer Fest we went to about 2 years ago. I pretty much let her get it all out.

"I told him about beef curtains. I even told him about Beef Curtains With Drippy Au Jus." I know...this creates a very graphic image. I told y'all. Alf and I are pretty raunchy. We developed this BCWDAJ saying around the same time when Britney Spears was running around without chonnies, lettin' it all hang out.

"I got him a freezy beer mug that says 'I'm Irish.' So when he drinks he'll think of me."

"I want Mexi food. I can walk there. I need to eat. I think I am going to go to Finnegans and have some green beer."

Then I made the mistake of telling Alf I was making corned beef, cabbage and potatoes for dinner with an array of Guinness, Magner's and Smithwicks to drink. It wasn't really a mistake. Alf is always good company!

"OHHHHHHH. That's awesome. You know, you could invite me over."

Alf says she will be wearing a "gay ass shamrock hat." I tell her that I have some St. Patty's day beads that she can wear too. "Will I have to show my boobs?"
"No, Alf, it's not Mardi Gras!"
"Oh, yeah. I get confused. One's in February, one's in March. You'd have to tell The Redneck to close his eyes so he wouldn't see my boobies."
"Yeah, I'll tell him to close his eye."
"You sick bitch! His eye, like, one eye."

Alf is very dirty. That is not what I meant! Freudian slip, I guess.

So, since I'm at work and the phone is ringing, I cut our conversation short.

"Ok, Day, call me when you leave work. I promise I won't be drunk when I come over tonight."

She might not be drunk when she gets to my house, but I have a sinking she will be drunk very soon after she gets there!